My Timeless, Treasured Tulsa Christmas—Sharing Souls and Songs

NOTE: This is not a journalistic critique; it is an anecdote from the heart, rich in detail, emotion, and faith, much like the artists and family it describes. Please feel free to disregard if you are not up for the journey!

My hip still is recovering from the travel, and the number all the vibration of the road does from a wheelchair, but my heart is so brimming and flooded with gratitude, joy, praise and utter wonder for all that happened through a mere 36 hours, that for me held enough love and goodness to last a lifetime, I cannot hold back from writing!

This story really begins back in September, after the incredible, unbelievable night with CREED that Elaine and I shared with the same heart and eyes. Shortly after that experience, she and Frankie had their beautiful time seeing Scott at San Manuel, and hearing Scott’s STORIES of his life journey—even ones I knew by heart-- so made me yearn to see him this tour. I have always said that I would happily pay the same ticket price just to hear Scott talk, and share whatever he felt moved to share, with us who wanted to listen. Then, as the tour continued, and we all could hear his VOICE, so resonant, strong, and clear—coming from a place far beyond physical conditioning-- I could only pray something would bring him and the guys nearer. For most people, concerts are about what they get from a performance, for me, concerts are the only way I can give back, to give something back for all the healing, hope and transformation that Scott’s words, life, and music bring to my life every day that I live. It is the only tangible kind of offering I can give. Yes, I buy multiples of every snipet of anything he/they are part of, but they never know that in person. In October the Oklahoma date appeared, then seemed to disappear, then was confirmed. Amidst the chaos, I asked Paul one night, “Can we go to Oklahoma?” and of course, he knew exactly the reason, and quickly said, “ No way—too far”. Honestly, I accepted that, and thought, “OK, not this time, but at least I took a shot!” Paul asked me to keep looking for a TX date, but I knew that was not going to be, since TX has no casinos! A few days later, Paul comes out of his computer room, and says, “Well, its long but it's not that hard, and I’d rather drive there than Houston.” I was overjoyed, and then just kept on the lookout for tickets. God once more showed us favor, because even in October, hotel rooms at the Hard Rock were filling, and I was able to book our room even before we had tickets. Paul thought that was so weird, but it became a blessing. Paul does not like driving in unknown cities!
Never for one second do I forget how sacrificial this act is for Paul. He really doesn’t even like music-- Jimmy Buffett is about as deep as he gets—but he knows all that Scott, his music, his family, his life means to me, and even though he does not even allow me to talk about Scott or CREED that much in his presence, in giving his time and commitment as his gift to me, he proves he understands even what I never speak to him of, and that he knows the ways I love and support him through every day of his life. Recently, too, he has been through a terrible siege in one of his life battles, and I have prayed for Paul like never before that he could come to surrender and an answer… I know his heart, and I will never give up.

I always go into the weeks before a show with no expectations, because I have been blessed every day for so many years by Scott, that I could never hope, or ask for anything more if everything stopped today. If Scott sang just one song, I would be happy, because every note is a gift. If Scott decided to paint houses, I would love him just as much, and cherish his precious Jaclyn and family, and praise God for the wholeness and blessing in their lives, and I would be so thankful for all we already have. Because this was my Christmas, though, I decided my small gifts this time would be Christmas ornaments. I do not possess the skills to forge my own designs, so I found ornament kits unique for each member, and painted and assembled them. For Scott and Jaclyn, I made a little snowman with a sharing faith and love message, and especially over these last weeks, with Scott sharing his soul, his heart, and his Scripture moments so dearly and openly with us—it became even more fitting. The kit I found had spray on glitter, and Paul could not believe the glitter that was on me and his tray table the day it got finished! I found sort of “Old time” instruments for Eric and Mitch, but I could not find anything fitting Garrett’s drums, so I finally found a Santa hat that looked like a bongo when you turned it upside down, so that had to do! I made personal cards, too. You never know if you will have any time, but I just trust they might make their way somehow—the giving matters more than whatever happens. I was excited just to think of saying “Merry Christmas” in person.

Paul has rules about travel, and he does not like talking unless I am helping him find an exit or a location, so when we left at 5 AM Friday, I was content to sit in quiet reflection and prayer. I prayed first for our troops, our nation’s leaders who are sacrificing so that we can travel to shows and share the times of our lives, for Paul, for Scott and Jaclyn, the children, and Eric, Mitch and Garrett that they would have God’s care, protection, peace and safety in every way, and that the whole evening would have God’s anointing. We were about to leave TX around sunrise—it was one of the most beautiful I have seen—glowing orange against blue. The thought that kept coming was “God’s warming love”, and I could sense it. The only songs I played into my ears were “Crazy in Love” and "Silent Teacher”—those so spoke to my spirit and fit perfectly into space and time.

The journey took all of 7 hours, and a while yet to check in, and while the Paul went off to eat and gamble, I did what I could to stretch my hip and get ready for our Meet N Greet, which we had only just found the time for the night before. I always dread being late, and the hotel was confused about where check-in would be, but Paul found Justin from Groundctrl, and he knew my name without even the list and we got lined up just as Scott was singing—he KEPT singing, through 4 songs-- with us outside the doors, and then Scott said, “We’re checked out!” and I resigned that we would not get a soundcheck. I was not upset, just confused, and Paul kept wondering where other people might be—it just didn’t fit. Another man came up and started talking to Paul about whether it was the right time, and Paul started explaining what was happening. Justin was inside talking to venue staff, and then came out and said they would be doing it AGAIN at 5! I felt so bad for Scott and everyone, having to re-do what they had done, when it should be THEIR time. Paul goes off again, but I am not about to leave! Garrett, Mitch, and Eric walk out, and I just say Hi and wave to Eric, but he crosses ropes to me! I ask him about when his JOY album will be out, and he says it will be awhile, because he just “got a little excited” that day, and we talk about his disc golf, I give him his ornament, and ask if he would be Santa to Mitch and Garrett. He graciously says ”Sure!” and I thank him. I could tell he was cold he was dressed in a heavy coat, sweater, and had a cup of something hot! He was SO sweet! Paul checked back, and I already was gliding above!
He took off again, but came back soon—gambling wasn’t being good to him. A few minutes before 5, a dazzling, “beautiful caravan” of the Nesheiwat Ladies marches in—Dr. Janette is pushing baby Daniel in his stroller! He is already such a big boy, he has the same blondish with slight red hair as Milan, and it looks already in a big-boy cut! He has on little jeans, white T-shirt, and a black jacket. Words cannot describe my thrill at seeing these amazing, strong, beautiful, accomplished women surrounding this child, and all 3 children, in such absolute, love, care and protection. The whole family has their own aura of radiant love and joy flowing from them, and it is no wonder that Scott found such healing, comfort, restoration, and love from them. Beyond all they have done for Scott, though, they are simply an amazing family-- so full of faith and love-- and such proof of what unity and strength mean. One of my secret hopes was just to SEE Jaclyn this time, and I see a caravan! I wave and say “Hello, Jaclyn!” just as she is going in, and she sees me, speaks to her family from the door, and runs over to me with a big hug! I COULD NOT IMAGINE the blessing of that moment! I tell her how wonderful it is to see her, that I love her so, and I wish her and the family a blessed Christmas, and how beautiful baby is! She is so caring and gracious, and talks to Paul about seeing me at the shows! (Until I cannot move or breathe anymore, where else would I be!) I have never experienced any woman with such caring, grace, and humble class. I have described it this way before, since Lubbock, but she literally bubbles with love! She asked about the show I went to last, and I mention being in Dallas with Elaine, and that instantly clicked, her eyes lit, and she thanked PBF, and said how much our support meant to her and to Scott. She said Daniel would be doing his first photo shoot soon, too! (Probably for a Christmas photo?!) As she leaves, I start crying with joy, and all I can say is "Isn't she wonderful?” to Paul. I already have been asked about what she was wearing, and to be honest, I am always so captivated by her spirit, her face, her smile, I don’t really register the wardrobe! I would adore her without any makeup and her hair in a ponytail! As best I can remember, she had on a black sweater, black leggings, and a brown leather jacket, but that was not my priority!

When I think back to when God first brought CREED to my ears and heart, at a time when I was literally almost internally destroyed, and it was done almost for sport, my only dream was to see just a show, never dreaming that I would have all the lovely, indelible memories that live in my heart forever. I am really a nobody, no connections, no incredible talent, I am just one who loves and supports them every day wherever God or the stuff of life leads. How can I possibly have been so blessed?

We go in for the soundcheck, and I see a glimpse of Jagger, John Paul, and Milan just back of the stage. There is laughter and playing, and the bonds are so evident. I only see the back of Milan’s head, and her hair has gotten long with those curly ringlets—beautiful! Scott comes out, welcomes everyone, and starts again with “Crazy in Love”. He plays all of it “with my fingernail” as he tells the sound technicians, and he sings straight from his soul! That song is so precious to me, because it IS Jaclyn’s, because of the way it intertwines human, passionate love, with Godly love. It's more powerful every time I hear it! He is becoming a real musician in his playing, in the element with the guitar. Eric is having some guitar issues, so he is not playing much, but they go into AYR. Scott comments on how much he loves Garrett’s PANTERA shirt, and Garrett has to stay behind plexiglass! He does a snip of Burn Away, (I think?) and then says they will be back in “2 +2” for the Meet N Greet. Everyone cheated and did flash but us, so I don't know how pictures will be, with the moment is FOREVER with me!

The Meet N Greet begins backstage, and they line us up way back despite only having about 12 or so. We are next-to-last, and I love that, because I love watching everyone have their moment as much as I love my own. I know what they mean to me! I never cease to be amazed at how gifted Scott is in relating to people, meeting them where they are, and making sure they know the moment is their own-- that is such an innate, genuine gift, and very few have it! Scott introduced himself, and initiated EVERY conversation-- he was so animated, friendly, and giving. He truly has the gift of meekness in the true Scripture sense-- strength under control, not weakness. There was a mother-daughter pair there, and he went on about what a cool mom she was for introducing CREED to her daughter! He talked to another lady about sweet Milan, and being a daddy! He spent time with everyone, and gently teased the band about their signatures and making them mark clear to the world! When we come up. Scott shows me that he is wearing the Cross with the Job 33 inscription I gave him last year. I didn’t know what to say, but it meant more than all the world to know that something from me meant something to him! He is a beacon to me every day, and I am only me! As we come to our time, I try to speak to the guys first, they get a lot of neglect, sometimes, and Garrett thanks me for the card-- he has an amazing smile! I remind Mitch that I met him in 06, the year I first met Scott, and Scott playfully tweeks in about it being a long-term relationship! Scott spells my name the right way—with no help, and says, “I know you, and I know your name!” and then, “You won the contest!” I am so filled with awe that anything about me matters to him! I wish him Merry Christmas, and blessings for every day of their lives, and tell him how beautiful the baby is. He says “ That's cos Mama knows how to feed him!” I also gave him a photo of me on my walker, standing, trying on the dress I was wearing, and a little story on the back of how “Good Fight” was my anthem when facing my personal impossibles. I want him to know the differences his music makes. He bends down for our photo, saying “OK, let’s do this!” My muscles are always so tight, and I struggle to do many physical tasks well, but I reached my arm to his shoulder. I wanted him to feel my arm around his shoulder, just so he would have a knowledge that, although I have never stood on my own, I stand with him and his family forever. He told me as I was leaving that I would see more of "Jackie and the kids”-- I could not have dreamed all he was talking about!

I am not even on earth by show time, and I reflect on how every time I see Scott, for that moment, I am completely “out of body”. Day to day, my body binds me, but for the shows, God blesses me with a loss of all sensation apart from the man, the music and the message coming from that stage. Sometimes I think God lets me live just for those moments. People kept trickling in, and show time kept getting delayed, but the roar of the crowd and the look on Scott's face let everybody know HE WAS THERE TO PLAY like never before! All in black, with wet hair, there he came. He tore into AYR full force and on fire, and more than ever, he was like a pastor, using every part of his soul, his mind, his being to convey the meaning of his message. Whatever gesture, whatever power, whatever word, or push from his core he could use—he would to bring his message home. The past weeks of Scott's Tweets have brought something I always dreamed, to be able to share hearts and thoughts over the Scriptures as one family! I have never felt closer to Scott, or more honored that he feels he can include us in that realm of his life. From the first note, this show felt like a continuation of those studies, just at another level. For everyone out there, I have to say, the energy and power of these songs intimate and acoustic is entirely different than when performed as CREED, not better, just completely different. I mentioned how Dallas felt like Scott was letting us into his prayer closet for Faceless Man. Well, these shows swing the door open all the way! Everything about this show, from the order of the songs, every nuance of the vocals or the instruments, everything was about reaching the audience from the "I've been there” perspective, and bringing them hope! “I’m Eighteen” just gave me chills, and even got Paul going! It was amazing to hear "Weathered” from the other side instead of just through the pain, and sing gloriously with Scott, as I have done millions of times alone, “ Believe what you will, that is your right, but I choose to win, I CHOOSE to FIGHT! In light of the mood, “Torn” took on other dimensions too-- of finding hope, healing as we chanted “WE are the ones who, the only ones who would carry on this far!” was SO powerful! During MOP, my view was taken as one woman “in her own world” as Paul says, could not be compelled by venue staff to subdue herself, and she nearly went over the rail! Seeing this failure, others took opportunity to rush the rail, and it took awhile for me to see anything apart from the screens. They did a blistering, bluesy “Riders” that the crowd loved like it was the first hearing, and during the end portion, I got a little space to see, Paul wedged me in! I hope when we get the pro shots, a moment when Scott slid his head down the mike stand is captured! In all the years and shows, I never have seen a move like it! “Full Circle” was so powerful and personal, Scott describing how he and Mark came to the song, how he had tried every option but the right ones, but God. He talked about how it had just come to them awhile before to do the song, how it had been Eric's idea, and it was wonderful to see the comfort level between them that has developed. Scott PORTRAYED every line of that song, and it was incredible to see everyone around me sing EVERY line with him, as if it was a Greatest Hit! It dropped me! He and Eric had so much special communication through that song and at the end—I’d love if we got it! With MS, of course, the crowd was in rapture—it is a song I never, EVER tire of, and could hear one million times in a row with no problem! I also love it because Paul sings to it, and he even gave Scott applause back afterward! Scott thanked and thanked the crowd, saying how they could go on forever like this! The stomps and chants for the encore began, and we all knew that at some point, Jagger and John Paul would make their debut, as Scott had announced at the show’s beginning. Teasingly, Paul had been saying “Where’s the kid?” in my ear all show. During Crazy in Love, the Nesheiwat ladies en force came to take seats inside of the rail, cameras in hand! Janette and Jaclyn were right in front of me, and it was precious to see her capturing her husband during her song—more tears of joy! The other lovely family were on the other side, further down, and Scott made special “signs” to all the family! I was very glad security stepped in then! Then Jagger came to the bongos, and John Paul to a stool on the other side of Scott! Scott GLOWED with pride, and it was so moving to watch Jaclyn capture her son’s moment! You could tell Jagger did not really like the spotlight, like most drummers, I think, but he played flawlessly! John Paul played his solo with front man panache, and the interaction with those boys and Scott just spoke their whole hearts, complete with hugs and lovies all over at the end! A once in history moment, and SUCH a TREASURE! “Justify” reeked with an authenticity like never before, too, as Scott gave it from the other side now. As “Higher” opened, Scott broke into a beautiful “Hallelujah praise” that was so genuine it made me shiver as another dose of anointing fell. Never, not in the solo years of TGD, not even with CREED, has that song meant more, to me, to anyone there. People left Tulsa changed because of Scott Stapp.

There was such feeling in every parting embrace, and I couldn’t make it onstage, nor do I ever belong there, my heart was hugging every one of them!